I want to share something with you....
If you have been reading this publication frequently, you must have known that its broader concern is how humanity is hurtling toward various crises such as climate change and nuclear war, or you can argue that they are already upon us but haven’t manifested yet.
And sometimes we also talk about things that are concerned about the fundamentals of life, for example, the recent article titled “Sin, Virtue, and Habits.” Why I talk about life and Truth can be lucidly learned in the about section of this publication, if you are interested.
But this article isn’t going to be about any of the above.
It’s going to be personal.
It’s going to be about the things I always wanted to share with you but couldn’t gather enough courage to do so. So, today I thought about it and decided to write this down to share with you all.
Since the time I started this publication, I tried to publish daily, at least 5 or 6 times a week, but I haven’t been able to. The months of November and December had been the biggest failure in almost a year of me publishing here - not in the terms of Subscribers or Shares, but in the context of consistency.
There might have been other reasons, but the biggest reason is my mental health which, I hate to say it, is poorer than whoever I see around me.
I frequently have the episodes of different kind of anxieties, insecurities, fear, and worries. Whenever they hit me, I just don’t feel like doing anything; they keep me away from writing even though my heart keeps constantly yelling at me to do the right thing, but their hold is so strong that I have to bow down in front of them every time.
None of them is related to anything material, like money or food or house or something similar. Out of all the insecurities and fears I confront, each one of them is purely mental. I just keep making different things in my mind that do not originate from the need to survive but from my childhood experiences and the traumas I have been carrying with me since then.
Much of the anxieties and worries are related to others’ opinion of me. Intellectually I have this knowledge that I am not dependent over anyone for anything in the material world, but currently I am not intelligent about it - for being intellectual is different from being intelligent.
When you are intellectual, you might have the prime reasoning or logic for something but your ability to reason is not in harmony with your emotions. For example, in my case, I know that I don’t need to depend upon the opinion of others to survive, but emotionally that’s too difficult for me actually act like that. On the other hand, being intelligent means, both your reasoning and emotions are in harmony with each other. There’s a symmetry between your knowledge and emotions.
I know it’s coming from my childhood traumas.
When I was a child, I used to be constantly told by my family members that I am not clever like other kids, that I can’t do anything if I am not clever. I don’t know on what basis did they conclude that being clever is directly proportional to having an opulent or at least a good life, but this bullshit was being fed to me constantly by the people who acted like my well-wishers.
For them, being clever meant babbling about something day in and day out, even if it is the most ridiculous thing in the world. Your tongue has to be on the move all the time or you have to be a good roaster if you want to be considered clever by my family.
I know it’s absurd but back then I used to take them seriously and I started creating self-doubts. I started believing I am not as good as others or I am inferior to others, and as a result, it started getting difficult for me to be myself. My moments of nightmare were when I had to speak to others or do something in front of others, and all of that was due to the people who “care” for me.
As I read it somewhere that much of the damage and suffering you go through in life comes from the people who claim they “love” you.
As if that was not enough, I had to change my school in 2014; meaning I now had to be around completely unknown people for 7 hours a day, and the first couple of years were pretty rough for me because I used to get bullied and roasted frequently. That experience was so unpleasant that I used to cry almost every morning and literally wait for the last bell to ring on my fingers.
That was not enough too. I came to Canada during the last days of 2019 and got a part-time job. Even at my job, I got an environment that was best suited to water my already huge tree of self-doubts. My relationship with the employer was abusive and exploitative, but I had to make a living to survive in a new country, so I kept on working and started getting familiar with being anxious all the time.
Just to give you an idea of the amount of stress I was loading myself with, I should tell you that I literally worked 1-2 hours extra with no pay for months because I didn’t want to get scolded for not being able to do everything in the few hours I was being paid for. The decision to work for free was completely mine because of my low self-esteem.
Thanks to my family, those bastards at school, and the employer that I have to suffer its consequences even today. Thanks to them that I suck at talking about a subject that I can write pretty well about - and you know why.
As I look back at those days sitting in 2023, I still have the moments which make me feel like shit, like I am not valuable enough.
When those moments come, they just make me want to run away from wherever I am and whatever I am doing. It’s not depression in the regular sense but having to go through these moments I can imagine what the depressed people feel like.
BUT I WILL NOT BE LIKE THIS FOREVER.
One thing that I want to be thankful to them is that if they didn’t create doubts in me, it would have never occurred to me to reflect at myself, to observe why I am acting the way I am acting. Only because of them that I started the inner journey so that I can eliminate the demons stopping me from drinking from the waters of life.
As of now, I will not say that I have transcended everything wrong that I am clinging to, but one thing I can certainly say is that I am working toward it and seeing the results, however miniscule.
Have you ever wondered what happens when we are unaware of our real nature, when we cling to the childhood traumas so strongly that we don’t even notice them?
We start exploiting the people around us. Yes, the family members and loved ones included. (as happened with me, and I am sure I must have done with others)
We start exploiting other sentient beings.
We start exploiting the planet we depend upon.
We start doing everything we can to feel fulfilled and secured, even if that means risking a nuclear war.
Now you know why I talk about spirituality and knowing your true nature in my articles. If we have to boil down to the source of everything that’s wrong in the current state of the world and ourselves, it is that we live in illusions, and spirituality tend to demolish the building of illusions we keep on building with time.
Spirituality is the only weapon that can destroy the demons in our daily life and help us know the Truth that’s beyond the illusions and doubts we cultivate as a result of living unconsciously.
(By spirituality, I mean authentic spirituality, not the one being preached by the so-called gurus today.)
I will keep sharing with you where I am coming from, why I do what I am doing here, what my biases are, what are my weaknesses are, what I want to commit my life to, etc. - because that’s the only to gain the trust of a reader in a world where the reputation of media publications is rapidly deteriorating and the trust people used to put into them keeps on evaporating.
I want our relationship to be that of a reader and an open book. I would express everything that’s inside me with no prejudices, and this article was first of that kind.
On our journey towards a better world, both externally and internally, I will keep giving you an update regarding my thinking process.
That’s my promise to you.
Financial help will be helpful a lot because it would allow me to keep advancing this project. If interested, you can become a paying member today or you can leave some coins here.
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